On days like today I have time to realize (or rather, run out of time to avoid) how much really has changed for me in the last year and a half or so. Â It’s like remembering that no one is holding on to your bike as you peddle like mad down the street. Â Usually on New Year’s Eve (before everyone goes to their separate festivities) I am painting on a very, very large 428 pound vinyl canvas with a group of really talented student artists to loud music and wishing at the end of the evening for warm water to wash out rollers as my hands go numb. Â For the last handful of years we’ve attended the Tune NYE bashâ€“-it’s never sounded so good as it does to me now. Â My New Year’s Day is usually spent powdering that sticky canvas and folding it up with that same group of really talented student artists.
Looking back on the transitions I made to find the right day job, I feel sure that I was protected and propelled forward by mysterious forces. Â Remembering the former comfort and constancy of my extra curricular programming schedule opens up a wound I can’t seem to let heal just yet, even though I made the choice to move away from it. Â This reflection inspired a brief moment of desire, for the first time since we arrived back in Nashville, to go home-home to London. Â The acknowledgement is stinging, but it is even more painful to say.
The longing to go home wasn’t at all related to wanting to leave anyone we’ve come to see. Â It’s really more like I’m an addict wishing to be far away from temptations narrowly escaped. Â I still don’t know what my time with my students meant if it was always meant to end or why I found a dream job prior to Drew’s job offer in London, but the longer I am here I feel like pieces of my heart get achy in proximity to the people and things I bravely left behind. Â Leaving them a second time is going to be as difficult as I expected. Â Gotta get a job–something new to focus on, with new challenges.
I certainly will not be able to see every single person I’ve been missing before I am back on a plane to London, but I am thankful that my New Year’s Eve plans include a wedding, a beautiful baby, and Apples to Apples. Â These familiar comforts are more than I could have asked for and everything I needed to get me ready to face the next string of challenges. Â Thank you for your love.
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