A moment of silence does a lot for me.
It has not been my intention to turn the blog into a continuous update about the baby. (A handful of regulars have noticed the gaps–it’s hard to write about anything else…) Knowing that everything I post is automatically shared on Facebook for friends and family to find more easily also means that other people who aren’t interested get reminded that we are celebrating a miracle. Being 4000 miles away from home makes technology like this all the more like a life line. However, I know that little cracks form in the hearts of some precious friends and family members the more I bang on about it. Others are just plain annoyed.
We can’t contain our excitement; there is certainly no ‘off’ switch that I can find. And I know that I owe it to Peanut to be this in awe of every wiggle, every kick, every new development… I owe it to myself (and to us) to share what we can with the people who want to be involved in the only way possible. But it is a struggle to do something which feels self-centered. (What about keeping a blog is not almost entirely self-centered, though?)
I might not be so sensitive to these feelings in others if I had not myself experienced them. There were times when I wanted to ‘un-friend’ connections on Facebook because I couldn’t bear to read constant updates about their baby. There were periods that I didn’t update my own status because nothing seemed to matter except the loss we had experienced. Innocent comments made by others at the time, who didn’t know the full extent of what our miscarriage was like, still cause me a niggling frown every now and again.
What I am really trying to say is that I’m sorry there have not been more updates and I am sorry that there will be more now. This isn’t a passive aggressive message to anyone; the people concerned know who they are. We have friends in all stages of growing or not growing a family–some absolutely opposed, others not interested, more than we can count just struggling to be healthy, a few just dipping their toes in, a good many happily rolling along, a handful desperately waiting, a number delicately and carefully rolling along, some considering alternate action and many whose families have grown–with and without medical intervention or adoption… Others are enduring complicated situations and separations–my heart doesn’t stop wishing them well.
I want to share our experience with those who would like to tag along, but it would be great to turn our joy into something positive for those others out there walking a different path. A moment of silence, a prayer, a little more awareness… I am not even sure what I am asking of you. Let’s just be in this together, ok? Let’s not feel guilty about being happy or being sad. Let’s not be so preoccupied with hurting each others’ feelings that we stop being honest. Me especially.
If you were interested enough to read this far, I love you and I miss you. (I also love and miss some of those other suckers who only like fart jokes and funny blog posts; we’ll try to catch them next time.)