Stormy Summertime

Our holiday back to the states was a bit like being on safari. I came back with a tired body, but feeling quite calm and sound of mind. It was so surreal to move busily, but intimately, through a series of events of which real life are made. Showers. Mother’s Day. Rehearsal. Graduation. Birthdays. Wedding.

When our holiday had come to its end and we boarded the plane for London, I wanted to remain near the people I was leaving – including the ones I didn’t even get to squeeze. But I had no fear about returning to this place along the canal with my insane job and strange new day to day routine.

In the middle of missing you (yes, you), I also felt peaceful that I wasn’t leaving her (my mom) behind this time. I understood that she was, as I had been telling myself since last May, in the rain and the sun rays and everywhere else. I was not, this time, abandoning her.

One year ago on this date I questioned everything. Somehow my shy, sensitive husband became my immovable rock. Somehow, Creation saw to it that four extra arms were here to wrap themselves around me.

One year ago tomorrow I lost all track of time and space. And I haven’t been quite the same since.

In the midst of my own pity party, I give thanks that life springs forward. I couldn’t be more grateful for that. And I couldn’t be happier to bear witness to the beauty.

4 thoughts on “Stormy Summertime”

  1. life will never be the same. for that I am sad. And for that, I am grateful. I love you times a million. And I am confident (100%) that we will be with her again….in her healed state. Dancing, laughing, hearing……probably holding a baby!
    You never abandoned her…I hope that little ugly voice is silenced. I never just let her be alone that night, knowing she was struggling. She would never blame us. She would be crushed to know those thoughts float or “STOMP” through our minds, consciously or in dreams.
    I love knowing that even as far apart as we are physically, our hearts beat together. Longing to have circumstances play out differently, knowing that we are powerless to change them.
    I am grateful for our time together…in the past, present and future.

  2. Jen your words are beautiful…and so are Donna’s…you both brought tears to my eyes. I love you guys and your mom. And I love the picture of her healed in heaven holding a baby. Missy is probably cooing over her shoulder…

  3. I don’t know to say or do to let you know that I am here in the corner, by the window, watching you whilst you walk head high through your day carying your heartache, your heartbreak, the sadness of this terrible loss. I want to extend my arms to you and say it’s open if you want, if you need, but I don’t want to intrude in the intimacy of your sorrow. I will send all my love and energy of the moment toward that wound of yours for it will heal. And I know it will. Because I know you. And when it has, you will bare the scar proudly because this is the person you are. And I love you for it.

  4. are we there yet??
    just wanting to have the year behind us……wondering if it was the 365 days or the holiday weekend?
    will we ever be there?

    Love you …….hope this weekend is a great one for you. I intend to try to enjoy it. So far…..a movie, popcorn and a blanket.

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