Deep Thoughts and Occasional Rantings – Drew and Jen go to London

Spoilers

Jen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:38:30 +0000

I felt a shock of Deja Vu on my way to Tesco today. The chilly wind and darkening grey sky post-3pm on a November day took me back to 2008. In an instant it felt like I had traveled full circle back to my starting point in this big city. I was a house wife on my way to pick up some wacky dinner ingredient then, too. Our lives were changing at lightning speed and would continue to change in unimaginable ways for the foreseeable future.

Photo courtesy Brooke Kelly Photography

On my second first day as a house wife in London, I feel less guilt about being home. (I feel absolutely no guilt about the nap that I took from 10.30am to 1.15pm.) I feel somewhat inclined to make two hot meals a day for the man that goes to work, but I also feel like I am doing something incredible by just getting myself showered. More than anything though, I have that sense of being on the edge again.

Here we are. Same city, same crazy kids, different adventure… What have we gotten ourselves into this time?

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

All the Women in His Life

Jen — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 22:09:49 +0000

From time to time (more than I am proud to admit), I have been jealous of the matriarchs in Drewâ€s life. The love and respect this man has for the incredible women who raised him can be overwhelming to a novice wife such as myself. Just look at the facts: they make better biscuits and fried green tomatoes, they kissed his boo-boos, and have never made him speak about crampsâ€”or begged him to give copious details about his day at the office (which he rarely wishes to describe once heâ€s on his own time, fair enough).

The point I am making is that I have not felt confident that I could ever measure up. I have wondered what in the world lead him to meâ€”a nutty, over-sensitive, blabber mouth with zero fashion sense or super model qualities.

Suddenly a light has come on. In considering his devotion and the qualities he values most in them, I feel humbled. I am in my early days of becoming awesome still, but he chose me because of these women, not despite them. It makes sense; Iâ€ve always said that I see the qualities I favour in my dad in Drew. He likes to laugh (bathroom and geeky humor), heâ€s really intelligent, he is organised, logical, thoughtful, generous, he challenges me, he values honesty, he plays guitar, he has simple needs, and heâ€s creative (there is probably more). If this is true for Drew, it makes sense it might be true for me.

These women instilled in him high standards; his high standards brought him to me. His love and respect for these women is nothing if not a direct reflection on what he sees in me. I am a candidate for that clubâ€”I could hold my own among women of this calibre some day. They are seasoned livers of life, strong, full of love, incredibly kind, prone to laughter, quick to add a seat at the dinner table for any friend you bring home, smart, practical, family oriented, loyalâ€¦ These are also the qualities I saw in my mom on her best of days. I have what it takes to grow into these shoes and, God willing, there is still time.

There are more women in Drew’s life with whom I could never competeâ€“and I just wouldn’t try. I have seen Drew struggle to grow into his role as an adult big brother to three amazing ladies; it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to him… (Women are infinitely complicated, bless him.) But being able to see his heart straight through his chest, even when his words fail him, I know what he feels for them and how far it extends. This gives me all the peace I need to know that his well is deep enough to hold all the love his baby will ever need. His patience may wax and wane (as it does with us all), but he has an incredible heart.

I can’t promise that I won’t ever feel a pang of jealousy again (what women could?!), but I can’t imagine that I will ever go back to feeling quite the same about all the women in his life. I am so honored that he saw something in me worthy of being among them.

Photo credit: Brooke Kelly Photography

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

Reveling

Jen — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 10:51:04 +0000

Friends and relative strangers keep reminding me lately how incredible my life is. Case in point:

Look again at those dimples. His Mama put those there for me to treasure and melt in. He is my matching puzzle piece, my very best friend, my night light, and even my sparring partner when I need it.

No matter how lonely life in London can sometimes seem, I am counting the chance to live here among my blessings. The strength of the love that our family and friends extend to us, despite our distance (or city-nessâ€“â€“as the case may be with London friends) is beyond measure.

There’s so much more; you would need all day to read my list.

We have also both been reminded more often than seems fair lately that we aren’t guaranteed timeâ€“we are not guaranteed life. I always face the temptation to let loss wash over me indefinitely, but I see that it is loss that should make us all more determined to be grateful each day for what we have, even as it slips like sand from our hands.

I watch the people in my life who have endured (and continue to battle) the most unthinkable circumstances as they continue to love, continue to give, put one foot in front of the other, struggle to laugh, find time to cry, cling to meaning, and count their blessings. If they can, I certainly can.

My list starts with this.

It radiates out like spider’s web beyond where it tangles you. It is true what everyone says; my life is incredible. I have more than I need, more than I deserve, more than I can find words to describe.

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

We Will Keep Them

Jen — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 22:27:32 +0000

I can’t seem to put the right words in place to mark the day and I can’t think of any I’d like to borrow either. I am 4000 miles away from where I feel I ought to be and yet spent moments of the day completely present on an island which doesn’t really exist. On purpose I filled the day with distractions and the warmth of friendship, but the moment has come that I am alone with my thoughts.

You are here. You are all here. Slowly the miles melt away; if I close my eyes I know I am sitting next to you.

Together we will keep the loved ones we’ve lost alive in the world.

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

A Moment of Silence

Jen — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 13:52:08 +0000

A moment of silence does a lot for me.

It has not been my intention to turn the blog into a continuous update about the baby. (A handful of regulars have noticed the gapsâ€“it’s hard to write about anything else…) Knowing that everything I post is automatically shared on Facebook for friends and family to find more easily also means that other people who arenâ€t interested get reminded that we are celebrating a miracle. Being 4000 miles away from home makes technology like this all the more like a life line. However, I know that little cracks form in the hearts of some precious friends and family members the more I bang on about it. Others are just plain annoyed.

We canâ€t contain our excitement; there is certainly no â€˜offâ€ switch that I can find. And I know that I owe it to Peanut to be this in awe of every wiggle, every kick, every new development… I owe it to myself (and to us) to share what we can with the people who want to be involved in the only way possible. But it is a struggle to do something which feels self-centered. (What about keeping a blog is not almost entirely self-centered, though?)

I might not be so sensitive to these feelings in others if I had not myself experienced them. There were times when I wanted to â€˜un-friendâ€ connections on Facebook because I couldnâ€t bear to read constant updates about their baby. There were periods that I didnâ€t update my own status because nothing seemed to matter except the loss we had experienced. Innocent comments made by others at the time, who didnâ€t know the full extent of what our miscarriage was like, still cause me a niggling frown every now and again.

What I am really trying to say is that Iâ€m sorry there have not been more updates and I am sorry that there will be more now. This isnâ€t a passive aggressive message to anyone; the people concerned know who they are. We have friends in all stages of growing or not growing a familyâ€“some absolutely opposed, others not interested, more than we can count just struggling to be healthy, a few just dipping their toes in, a good many happily rolling along, a handful desperately waiting, a number delicately and carefully rolling along, some considering alternate action and many whose families have grownâ€“with and without medical intervention or adoption… Others are enduring complicated situations and separationsâ€“my heart doesn’t stop wishing them well.

I want to share our experience with those who would like to tag along, but it would be great to turn our joy into something positive for those others out there walking a different path. A moment of silence, a prayer, a little more awareness… I am not even sure what I am asking of you. Letâ€s just be in this together, ok? Letâ€s not feel guilty about being happy or being sad. Letâ€s not be so preoccupied with hurting each othersâ€ feelings that we stop being honest. Me especially.

If you were interested enough to read this far, I love you and I miss you. (I also love and miss some of those other suckers who only like fart jokes and funny blog posts; weâ€ll try to catch them next time.)

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

Full Circle

Jen — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 10:59:29 +0000

Just four nights ago I was glued to the live feed on BBCâ€s website in the middle of the night. It is hard to believe that last night at a similar hour, I was awake with leg crampsâ€”giggling deliriously at the new choreography Peanut has learned. How can a person so quickly move from fearful to thankful? What has changed?

London was wide awake for three nights in a row while riots and looting sprang up in neighbourhoods across England. I wonâ€t pretend that I can give you the best report of the events which passed, but I can recommend this BBC web page for a summary of events and this Guardian article for a refreshing look at the â€˜whyâ€ of these eventsâ€¦ I have not been scared for my own safety in the midst of the disorder; I am very fortunate in this regard. Electronics, sporting goods, and other high street shops were the targets of choice, of which there are none in our immediate vicinity. The most action we saw was on the water; narrow boats moved in from Camden in the East and Hackney in the West. As he rearranged his boat along our part of Regents Canal, a man on one of the boats yelled an apology for waking those of us standing curious on our balconies, explaining that he had been advised to move somewhere safer than where he had been docked. I think we were relieved to hear that danger was still miles awayâ€¦

Hearing the interviews of rioters is just further proof [to me] that we cannot afford to ignore where we are falling short of creating a family centred society (globally) and where we have turned our backs on societyâ€s responsibility in terms of early childhood development. This is not a suggestion that governments should give more handouts (in fact, I might argue that this is highly undesirable). It is merely my personal reflection on the state of what is fundamental to our survival as a human race as well as what my role is in all of this.

The overlap of education, child and adolescent development, and psychology (in general) has been a passion of mine for years. Suddenly I feel like I have been witness to a very large case study in my chosen disciplineâ€¦

Coming full circle in moments, four nights ago I looked away from the scene of fire, riots, and looting to my growing belly and knew that the very best thing I can do in this world is to provide love to my child(ren) in a stable, healthy environment. It is imperative that I continue to be a light in the world and that I take action, inside and outside my own home.

I am changed by the roller coaster ride of late. I donâ€t know who I am, but I like her.

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

Full Circle

Jen — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:39:40 +0000

Just four nights ago I was glued to the live feed on BBCâ€s website in the middle of the night. It is hard to believe that last night at a similar hour, I was awake with leg crampsâ€”giggling deliriously at the new choreography Peanut has learned. How can a person so quickly move from fearful to thankful? What has changed?

London was wide awake for three nights in a row while riots and looting sprang up in neighbourhoods across England. I wonâ€t pretend that I can give you the best report of the events which passed, but I can recommend this BBC web page for a summary of events and this Guardian article for a refreshing look at the â€˜whyâ€ of these eventsâ€¦ I have not been scared for my own safety in the midst of the disorder; I am very fortunate in this regard. Electronics, sporting goods, and other high street shops were the targets of choice, of which there are none in our immediate vicinity. The most action we saw was on the water; narrow boats moved in from Camden in the East and Hackney in the West. As he rearranged his boat along our part of Regents Canal, a man on one of the boats yelled an apology for waking those of us standing curious on our balconies, explaining that he had been advised to move somewhere safer than where he had been docked. I think we were relieved to hear that danger was still miles awayâ€¦

Hearing the interviews of rioters is just further proof [to me] that we cannot afford to ignore where we are falling short of creating a family centred society (globally) and where we have turned our backs on societyâ€s responsibility in terms of early childhood development. This is not a suggestion that governments should give more handouts (in fact, I might argue that this is highly undesirable). It is merely my personal reflection on the state of what is fundamental to our survival as a human race as well as what my role is in all of this.

The overlap of education, child and adolescent development, and psychology (in general) has been a passion of mine for years. Suddenly I feel like I have been witness to a very large case study in my chosen disciplineâ€¦

Coming full circle in moments, four nights ago I looked away from the scene of fire, riots, and looting to my growing belly and knew that the very best thing I can do in this world is to provide love to my child(ren) in a stable, healthy environment. It is imperative that I continue to be a light in the world and that I take action, inside and outside my own home.

I am changed by the roller coaster ride of late. I donâ€t know who I am, but I like her.

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

Tongue Tied and Tired

Jen — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 10:00:33 +0000

There are days when my own words won’t take shape. On those days I find myself clinging to the words of others… Today it is Chris Rice’s turn.

‘Every day is a journal page;
every man holds a quill and ink.
There’s plenty of room for writing in
all we do and believe and think…
So will you compose a curse,
or will today bring the blessings?
Fill the page with rhyming verse?
Or some random sketchings?

Teach us to count the days;
teach us to make the days countâ€“
Lead us in better ways
that somehow our souls forgot.

…Every day is a gift you’ve been given; make most of lifeâ€“every minute you’re living.’

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

Yield

Jen — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 21:48:54 +0000

As hard as we may try to stop it, the seeds will sprout. Doubt, fear, frustration, joy, hope, love… Whatever your heart sings deserves to be heard.

‘It takes a lot to keep it going/
It takes a lot to keep it real/
Take some time for yourself and learn to yield’
– Amy Ray

Let it speak; listen in earnest. And then let it go.

www.drewandjengotolondon.com

365

Jen — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 21:50:04 +0000

Drew has begun a photography project â€“Â a partner in crime to our dear friend Elsa. He plans to post a new photo every day for 365 days. In itself, that is quite a commitment.

I am not sure that either one of us knew that I would feel like each image is speaking to me.

I am sure it wasn’t his intention.

But somehow I do feel so personally affected…

It’s kind of like those movie posters where the eyes follow you everywhere… only, being slightly less creepy than all that.

www.drewandjengotolondon.com